 Diary P.A.P. Avoiding a First Date Debacle September 23rd, 2005 Avoiding a First Date Debacle Dating is a nightmare. Now everyone knows good Arab girls don't date so the following advice is completely hypothetical or directed at bad Arab girls and the men who love them. Please take a moment to decide which category you fall into. A lot of emphasis is put on first dates but not enough is put on predate preparation. Most damage control needs to be done before you go on the date. The most important thing to not do while preparing to go on a first date is agree to go out with someone who is a complete waste of your time. Now you may be wondering, "How can I know if he's a complete waste of time if I don't go out with him?" Simple, subject him to a subtle but thorough predate interview. It is extremely important that he not know this is a test; so I suggest masking it as a planning session. There's a lot you can learn about a guy while discussing plans for your first date. Is he too pushy? "We're going here period!" or too wishy washy? "It's totally up to you." Do not go out on a date with either of these guys. Simply respond, "Okay well you have fun then," and "Sorry I can't disclose the location of where I've chosen to go because it's classified. I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you," respectively. The next important tidbit of information that is crucial to obtain during the "planning call" is whose paying. Here are a couple of subtle ways to find out: Mention a restaurant you really love and follow it with "Oh but its really expensive." The only correct response he can give is "Don't worry about it." If you are given any other response do not go on the date. Another one of my favorites is, "Do I need to bring a wallet?" The correct response for this first date seeker is, "No but bring your ID because you don't look a day over 21." I can picture a couple of you so called feminists saying this is archaic I can pay my own way. I'm sure you can and I promise you will, eventually, which is why you deserve a free first date. Remember also that it is a priveledge to date you and his paying for your food doesn't make you a hooker. I'll get to the things that do later. There are other sure signs to abort the first date before it even starts. If while he is on the phone with you he screams, "Yuma!! I'm on the phone!" hang up and change your number immediately. If at any point during the phone call he begins to weep; kindly give him the suicide hotline number and hang up. If he mentions how much he loves Justin Timberlake, tell him all about the Habibi parties and than hang up. Finally, if he uses the phrase, "my ex and I used too..." suggest he calls her and politely slam the phone shut. The next important step of predate preparation for a great first date is knowing what not to wear. First and foremost, do not dress like a slut. No excessive cleavage, no micro mini skirts, and no feathers. I do not need to explain why. Do not wear shoes that hurt. This is NYC you may have to walk a lot and not wanting to walk far because your shoes hurt will translate to she's lazy not she's stylish. Also, do not straighten your hair; it's false advertising. Do go to a department store and get your make up done. It's fun, free, and relaxing. I also recommend buying a fantastic outfit and tucking in the tags so you can send it back the next day. If you do do that do not eating or drink anything red, blue or purple. Finally, no perfume because you never know if he's allergic and you don't want your first date to be 12 hours in the ER. I recommend scented oil. The last step is planning an escape route in case of emergency such as the date turns creepy or he's just more boring than watching paint dry (which is actually kind of cool cause the color changes). The easiest one is having a friend call half an hour into the date which will provide you with an excuse to leave("Oh my God! It's Monica! She's been attacked by an emu....I've got to go). This also allows you to ignore the call if all is going well or if the food is so good you don't mind the torturous company. It is important to choose someone reliable with no social life of their own and no Internet access so you can guarantee they don't get distracted and forget to call you. If your escape friend does let you down it is always good to have a plan B. I recommend diarrhea. It's an easy out as no questions will be asked and you can be pretty sure he'll never call you again. That's all for this week so go out there and plan your hypothetical first date; but make sure you schedule it for after October 13 since my next column will be about what not to do on a first date. Yallah bye! |