 Diary P.A.P. My Non Bridal Shower August 26th, 2005 My Non Bridal Shower I have been a bridesmaid seventeen times. Yes, I know this sounds insane but it is completely true and I have a rainbow of taffeta taking up way to much closet space to prove it. Being a bridesmaid this many times has made me quite bitter; but not for the usual reasons. I'm quite happy always being a bridesmaid never a bride because I have no desire to be a bride. Why? Because I don't look good in white; especially that many yards of white. I'm pretty sure I'd look like a cross between the Michelin Man and the Stay-Puff Marshmallow from the movie Ghostbusters. I also don't mind the cheesy bridesmaids dresses. Personally, I like having someone else pick out my outfits. It's like having a stylist; a really bad stylist who doesn't realize how bad a cinnamon girl looks in seafoam green. I even don't mind the embarrassment of being trotted out to catch the bouquet except for the one time I got a serious head injury during the desperate single chicks scuffle. What bothers me is that I have spent a grand total of $28,000 on these seventeen weddings and have gotten nothing in return except oddly shaped blisters from those horrible Dyeable shoes. (If you don't know what Dyeables are please Google it as I am convinced they were invented by the Zionists as a torture device.) I have bought luggage, refrigerators, video cameras, snow cone makers, and some very skanky lingerie. I've done it all happily and with love for whatever Jersey girls name is on the registry. However, now that I've moved out in to my brand spanking new and very empty Harlem haven I need stuff and have no money to buy anything because I've spent it all on bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and wedding card checks. I am left with no choice but to throw myself a non bridal shower. Just because I haven't been able to maintain a successful relationship doesn't mean I don't deserve Ralph Lauren 400 thread count sheets and Waterford crystal. And think of all the money my friends will save since I'll only need place settings for one, towels for one, and the one cup coffee maker. Not to mention the fact that they won't have to pay for brunch or a string quartet. It is usually the bridesmaids duty to foot the bill for the bridal shower; but since this is a non bridal shower and I am a non bride I technically can't have bridesmaids I'll be footing the bill myself. I'm thinking potluck. I've had a blast registering too because there's no one to disagree with my choice of flowery lavender bedding and no one trying to register for power tools. When you register you have to put in the bride's name and the groom's name; I put my name for both proving once and for all that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. I have also made it clear in a disclaimer on my evite that this will be my only bridal shower ever (unlike JLo whose had three even though she can afford to buy her own bath rug). In the unfortunate event I do marry I promise not to have a bridal shower. It's like cashing in your 401k early when you really need it because those new Christian Laboutin pumps are just too fabulous to leave behind at Neiman Marcus and its wrong to steal. Let's not forget what happened to Winona Ryder. I wonder if it's haram to register for shoes? I know some of you think having a non bridal shower is an abomination of the sanctity of marriage and that I should just have a house warming instead. I've thought long and hard about this. The thing is you can't register for a house warming which means instead of getting a Oreck Super Vac I'll get candles. I hate candles; no o I abhor candles. They are horrible little accidents waiting to happen and I do not have a fire escape; so please do not buy me candles. Oh and in case any of you are interested I am registered at Macy's, Pottery Barn, and Target (for my artsy/poor friends). My registry is really easy to find too; just type in Maysoon for name of bride or name of groom. I love simplicity. Gotta run and see if I can add Lubna Miller sandals to my online Macy's registry. Yallah bye! |