In the Press: Catch Maysoon's film debut in, Adam Sandlers "You Don't Mess With The Zohan" (June 6th, 2008)
In the Press: Maysoon Zayid: Comedian without borders (May 28th, 2008)
Maysoon's Kids: Introducing Maysoon's Kids (May 7th, 2008)
In the Press: The comic is Palestinian, the jokes bawdy (November 21st, 2006)
In the Press: Arab-American Comedy Fest comes to New York (November 10th, 2006)
Announcements: 4th New York Arab-American Comedy Festival starts November 14th! (November 2nd, 2006)
Maysoon's Kids: Donate to Maysoon's Kids (June 25th, 2006)
In the Press: ADC national convention highlights Arab American issues (June 24th, 2006)
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P.A.P.This is Why We Don't Have a Country
December 18th, 2005
Greetings faithful readers! The P.A.P. is back. Now I know that rumors had been flying that the Mossad had final had enough of my shannanigans and that I was buried alive at the 50 yard line at Giant Stadium causing me to miss my last column deadline. This is completely false except for the part about the Mossad being sick of me as are all those nasty little nip and tuck rumors. The truth is I was being held hostage by none other than Dean Obeidallah and forced to work non stop (not even to get a pedicure) for slave wages on the New York Arab American Comedy Festival which was otherwise fabulous. I was able to escape and flew to Palestine where I am sitting now typing this column for you fine folks of the diaspora.
Now as much as I'd love to wax poetic about the beauty of the olive trees and the sound of athan at sunset; I simply can't instead I'm dedicating this column to all the reasons we don't have a country that have nothing to do with zionism and everything to do with us. I hope this will inspire some of your new years resolutions.
1. Arabs cannot get to anything on time not even there own funerals (which is the only time you can blame the zionists). Do you all know about AST? AST is Arab standard time. For example, 7:30 is 8:45 AST. If you have reservations for 8pm your non arabs friends will arrive at 7:45; the arabs will get there somewhere around 10:23. If you tell them they missed the reservation they will have no idea why either. You see it's come to my attention that Arabs believe everyone runs on AST and seem to be shocked and angered when they don't. I don't believe Arafat turned down Barak's "Generous Offer". I think by the time he got there Clinton and Barak were already at McDonald scarfing down dinner.
2. Arabs hate progress unless it is somehow linked to cell phones. My uncles see absolutely nothing wrong with marring off my female cousins at 14 years old. Neither do the idiot Arab men born and raised in the USA who go back home and marry these girls. To them I say you are no better than Mary Kay Letourneau. They also see nothing wrong with cousin love. Now there was nothing wrong with marrying your cousin when you'd have to ride 5 days on camelback through the desert to find a woman your not related to but now we have naseeb.com and the ADC so please step away from your 12 year old cousin before I call Oprah.
3. Arab women are mean to each other. Ladies we can all be princesses without being back stabbing bitches can't we? Whenever I walk into a room where there are arab women I don't know they glare at me and all I can think is sweety smile and don't worry I won't try to steal your generic short Arab boyfriend as I swore off Arab men after the last deportation.
4. Arabs are not nice to other arabs. I've got four words for you: Le Souk Le Sucks!
5. Arabs can't agree on anything. Not even something as simply as the Eid which ends up being celebrated on different days depending on whether you called your mom or dad. They can't ever decide where to go. I've been known to pass out cold while waiting for my group of Arab friends to decide between Mamlouk and Moustache. Finally, there are twelve different spellings of Mohammed but only one for David I rest my case.
I refuse to give up on us. There's a new year coming. Lets get our acts together and get to mamlouks on time while smiling at our fellow Arabs than maybe they'll be hope for Palestine. Oh and go see Munich. Its time for me to go get pushed and shoved by all my fellow Arabs as I attempt to cross Kalandia. Yallah bye!
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